Confessions of a Chronically Online Man.

My social media life is one of the craziest stories you will ever hear. I live on X and IG.

X is where I get my news, and honestly it makes my day. The bullies on that side are something else, though. Intrusive thoughts, rage baiters, and the “agenda must agenda” guys, all in one timeline. I don’t have much of a following there, so mostly I just like and retweet. And btw, if you are dating, please make sure you are the only one on that side of hell. Nobody needs that kind of drama.

But let’s focus on IG today.

When I signed up, I remember clearly picking technology, entertainment and sports as my interests. What I see now is just messed up. Still, I built this algorithm scratch by scratch, and I am proud of it. I even dictate the algorithm for some of my friends. I have liked tons of videos, and I am in a reel relationship with a lot of my following. I send friends anything related to their problems, and I match it to their sense of humor. Chaotic? Won’t lie, yes. But it’s targeted chaos.

Lately I’ve reached a new phase where I don’t just like posts, I comment. Banter, my thoughts, and sometimes just plain silly remarks. Somehow they have gained traction. A while back I also decided to move my conversations to IG. The only issue was separating nonsense from serious talk, so I stopped and kept it for sharing reels. A hello now and then doesn’t hurt, though.

My favorite content nowadays is the guy who stops strangers and tells them random shit. You can see the embarrassment on their faces. Raw, unscripted, and top tier skits. There’s another one who stops random men and pranks them by claiming to be their dad, sent by the mother he abandoned to collect money. Aaaah, top. The reactions alone deserve an award.

My For You page is awesome. Kenyan content creators are doing the most to avoid farming, buana. Then there’s the football banter, although Manchester United have been shit lately and it hurts a bit. We are komongwad left and right, and rival fans are having the time of their lives. We’re used to it, though. Nothing new under the sun.

And please, stop sending me those crazy videos you see that I have liked, retweeted or commented on. I know what I was doing. It’s always jokes, don’t take it too hard.

Sitcoms are also part of my feed. The only thing is how they flip the videos or alter them just to dodge copyright, but they still remind me of some really nice episodes.

Now, WhatsApp. It’s one of the apps I don’t really like but cannot live without. They recently introduced usernames and almost everyone created one, but I’ve seen millennials deleting theirs later. Why are you deleting your usernames? Then again, I kinda get it. It makes sense when an account is tied to a mobile number, because it’s basically SMS over the internet. If you are offline, I can call and easily reach YOU. But why are you offline in big 2026? For businesses, yeah, you need a number. It’s easier for everyone.

Impersonation was the other story. When usernames first rolled out, I saw someone on X create one with the name Musk, and people started sharing screenshots of their favorite celebrity names and some funny shit. Android guys, are you still seeing ads on WhatsApp? They have also introduced WhatsApp Plus, in case you haven’t noticed, at $0.99. We will be forced onto a plan eventually. It doesn’t make sense to me, so I will just use iMessage. It’s powerful and works for me. The only downside is that not everyone has it. Cheap Android friends, please delete my number, you may be blocking my blessings, manze. Get yourself an iPhone and life will start getting better.

I have a normal nine to five, btw. I just don’t doomscroll. I do have timelines, but not healthy ones. Sometimes when I touch my phone, it’s like it’s in the blood. I find myself opening X or IG, and I’d originally picked up the phone to call someone. A few minutes later it hits me: “Shit, the call.”

While working I’m either listening to music or podcasts. But when bugs hit and I get a blocker, I pause everything, lock in, and find a solution. I love being in that moment, in the zone. That’s the one place my phone can’t reach me.

Last year I decided to delete all social media apps and try to make it a week. Let me tell you, I didn’t even make it to the evening. I was like a sick person looking for his medicine.

Yeah, that’s me.

Happy Life.

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